


Don’t push me away...

by Wentworthchar_4



Category: Emmerdale, charity x Vanessa, vanity - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Emotional, F/F, History, LGBT, Love, Past, Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 22:52:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14223534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wentworthchar_4/pseuds/Wentworthchar_4
Summary: My interpretation of what I think will happen when Charity tells Vanessa about her past.





	Don’t push me away...

The day of Tracy’s court case had arrived and she was beyond nervous about coming face to face with Phil again. She was still haunted by his face every time she closed her eyes but knew she had to turn up today to show him that he was affecting her life anymore, even if that wasn’t the truth. 

“Here, get this down you”, Charity said handing Tracy a strong black coffee. 

“Thanks”.

“How you feeling? Stupid question I know”.

“The thought of seeing his face again makes me feel sick, how can one man have such an affect on me”, Tracy replied as she sipped her coffee. 

“Trust me Babe, I know all too well how someone can cause so much pain and misery but you are doing the right thing by turning up and showing him that he doesn’t have a hold on you anymore”. Charity explained, you could see by her face that she was genuinely worried for Tracy. 

“You’re right, I need to show him that I’m strong and that he is an insignificant piece of shit”.

“That’s the attitude. Just remember I’ll be right next to you throughout the whole thing. If you need to express any anger during court, you squeeze my hand ok? Make sure that your facial expression never changes otherwise he will know that he is still affecting your life”. 

“I’ll try, thanks for coming with me again. I really appreciate it”, Tracy replied.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, I know what your going through. Right let’s get going we don’t want to be late”. Leaving the cafe together they both headed towards Charity’s car. 

Arriving at the courthouse Tracy froze at the front door, she was physically shaking with fear and anger of seeing Phil again. Charity could see how she was feeling, she grabbed Tracy’s hand squeezing it tightly, “You’ve got this, take a deep breath and let’s get this over with”. 

Taking a deep breath in Tracy put her right foot in front of her left and walked through the door. “See that wasn’t so hard was it?” Charity said as the pair headed to their seats in the court room. 

The room went dead quiet as the door opened and in walked Phil accompanied by two police officers, as he walked through the door Tracy reached for Charity’s hand. The first thing Phil did when he arrived at his seat was to look around and locate where Tracy was sat, making eye contact with her he gave off one of his super creepy smiles. Trying to make sure she kept a straight face while he was looking at her, Tracy did exactly what Charity suggested and squeezed her hand as tightly as she needed. 

Time passed and the court room heard the police statements, they were shown the evidence and also heard what Phil had to say for himself. After hearing everything the Judge took a quick break to deliberate and make his final decision on Phil’s sentence. During the break Charity wanted to find Tracy something stronger than a coffee, she quickly popped next door to the shop and got the smallest bottle of vodka she could so that it fit in her bag. Once back with Tracy she poured her a Diet Coke and vodka and told Tracy to down it. 

“Here, it will help with the nerves”. 

“What is it?”

“Trust me, just drink it”.

Taking the drink from Charity, Tracy downed it, “Wow that was strong”. 

“It will help. Trust me, been there, done it, got the t-shirt”. 

“ALL-RISE” echoed around the room, the time had come to hear what conclusions the Judge had come to. 

“After hearing from all parties we find the accused guilty of blackmail and harassment. The sentence is as followed 10 years imprisonment” the Judge explained. 

Tracy couldn’t believe what she had just heard, she was so relieved. 

“Babe this is wonderful news”, Charity said giving Tracy a hug.

“He can’t hurt me anymore. At least I can focus on myself now without having to constantly look over my shoulder”, Tracy replied physically shaking. 

“It’s not going to be easy but yes he can’t hurt you anymore”, Charity replied. “Let’s get you back to the village”. 

While Tracy and Charity had been at court, Frank, Vanessa and Megan had all gathered in the woolpack awaiting the news. Tracy arrived back with a smile on her face but even though Charity was over the moon for Tracy she had a somewhat subdued look on her face. 

“Good news?” Frank asked. 

“Great news, he’s been given 10 years”.

Smiles covered all of their faces immediately, “That’s great news Trace”, Vanessa expressed. 

“It’s the best news ever”, Megan added. 

Getting up to give his youngest daughter a hug, Frank squeezed her so tightly that she was struggling to breathe. “Dad I cant breathe”, Tracy said. 

“Sorry, I’m just so happy that that scum bag is behind bars and can’t hurt my baby anymore”.

Listening to everyone congratulate and tell Tracy how happy they were for her made Charity realise that no one was there for her during her ordeals. Taking herself away from the situation she rushed through to the back room to try and compose herself. 

While the congratulating continued Vanessa hadn’t noticed that her girlfriend was nowhere to be seen, she only realised when Tracy mentioned how amazing she had been. 

“I couldn’t have got through the day without the help of a Charity, she was truly amazing”, Tracy said as she looked around the pub for her. 

“Where is she?” Vanessa asked. 

“I have no idea, I couldn’t have sworn she was stood next to me”, Tracy replied. 

“I’m gunna go find her”, Vanessa said as she made her way through to the back to try and find her. “Babe? Everything ok?” She asked spotting Charity sat on the sofa. 

“I’m ok” Charity replied. 

“Well you don’t seem ok. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m fine”.

“Why do you always do this? You shut me out! I thought I was supposed to be your girlfriend?”

“You really want to know all my problems?” Charity sarcastically replied. 

“I want you to be able to talk to me whenever you need to”, Vanessa replied. There was no immediate reply from Charity, she just sat on the sofa back towards Vanessa staring into space.

“Hello? Earth to Charity?”

“I was raped”, Charity said with force. 

“What?” Vanessa replied as she stood there shocked. 

“I was raped, not once multiple times by the same man”.

Vanessa didn’t know how to reply, she just stood there like a statue. 

“I was 15 when it started”, Charity said as the tears started to stream down her face. 

“I’m so sorry”, Vanessa replied as she sat down on the sofa next to Charity. 

“He was a police officer just starting his career. He had this control over me that I can’t even explain, he almost hypnotised me making me feel protected and safe half of the time. But the other half he used me like a sex doll, I had no way of stopping him or getting away from him. I was homeless and he put a roof over my head, my family wanted nothing to do with me after the birth of Debbie so I had no choice but to put up with him abusing me”. A tearful Charity explained to Vanessa who was struggling to keep back the tears. 

“I could put up with him using me as his piece of meat but when he started forcing me to recruit other young homeless girls, that’s when things got hard. Seeing them go through all the pain and abuse was heartbreaking, but whenever I tried to stop them from hurting the girls I copped the force of his hand. They didn’t deserve to be raped night in night out by random men, so I did my best to keep their attention on me”.

“You didn’t deserve this either”, Vanessa said wrapping her hand around Charity’s. 

“What if I did?”

“Don’t talk like that! You didn’t deserve to have to go through this”.

“It was my daily life for over 2 years, it just became my life”.

“How did you stop him?” 

“One day I plucked up the courage to leave, had nowhere to go but couldn’t deal with it anymore. I decided to try and earn my own money by doing the only thing I knew, prostitution”.

“Babe...”

“I had no choice, it was the only thing I knew how to do. Just lie there and pretend I was enjoying it”. 

Vanessa was speechless, she had absolutely no idea how to respond to what she was hearing. 

“I got used to it, being used for nothing but my body. I couldn’t tell you how many men slept with me, even if I did the number would make you sick”.

“Don’t be ridiculous, it wouldn’t. You had no option but to do what they said, none of this is your fault”. 

“It’s ok, I understand you want nothing to do with me. I’m disgusting, I disgust myself. God knows how anyone could love me after knowing my history. I think it’s best if we just forget everything”. 

“I’m not going anywhere! Babe none of this is your fault. Those men are monsters, pure evil who abused you. That’s not your fault, please don’t push me away, not when you need me the most”, Vanessa explained.

“I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone”, Charity replied as she struggled to control her crying. 

“You can’t go through this on your own!”

“Go through it? It’s happened, I’ve been through it”.

“It’s clearly re-surfaced after what’s happened with Tracy. You need to tackle the demons that are still there otherwise they will eat you up for the rest of you’re life”. 

“I don’t want to have to go through it all again”, Charity mumbled.

“I’m so sorry babe but I think you need to. I will be there every step of the way, this animal can’t get away with it”. 

“He already has. Look I think you should go”.

“I’m not going anywhere”, Vanessa expressed. 

“Just go” Charity shouted. 

Reluctantly Vanessa decided it was probably best if she left Charity on her own, every ounce of her body wanted to stay but she knew how Charity got when she was upset/angry. When Vanessa left the room Charity completely broke down, it was the first time she had ever told anyone the worst of her past. Part of her regretting telling Vanessa as she didn’t want it to cloud Vanessa’s judgement of her. 

Walking back through to the bar where her family were still celebrating, Vanessa grabbed her coat and left without muttering a single word. As soon as the fresh air hit her, her eyes began to tear up, she couldn’t quite comprehend what she had just heard come out of her girlfriends mouth. How could someone go through that without telling anyone or asking for help? The pain and suffering she has gone through on her own is incomprehensible. Vanessa needed a drink and a very large one, not even bothering to get a glass she just drank straight from the bottle, she felt useless. What could she do to help? Grabbing her laptop she tried to do some research on what to do when reporting rape or sexual assault, she also tried to look up local police officers who may have been linked with sexual assault cases, that could give her a lead. 

Morning came around and Charity woke with massive puffy eyes from all of the crying she had done the night before. Showering and covering the puffiness with make up Charity knew she needed to go and see Vanessa to sort things out. Knocking loudly on the door of Tug Ghyll, Charity called out, “Vanessa it’s me let me in”, there was no answer. Giving the door two more loud knocks, Vanessa opened the door squinting at the bright lights. 

“Well you look like shit”, Charity greeted Vanessa. 

“Thanks, come on in”.

“I’ll make you a coffee, looks like you had a rough night of drinking”, Charity said picking up the empty wine bottle. 

“I didn’t know what else to do, you wouldn’t let me help you”. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I don’t deal well with my feelings you know that”. 

“I thought you’d be able to with me, I’m your girlfriend”.

“I know and I’m sorry”.

“You don’t need to apologising, I’m sorry this isn’t about me. How are you feeling?” 

“I’m ok, got all the crying out I needed to”.

“What are you going to do?” 

“Nothing. There’s nothing I can do. Just going to bury it again and carry on with my life”. 

“That’s not healthy. What happened with Tracy triggered your trauma and yes you can bury it again but what happens when the next thing triggers it?”

“Then I deal with it” Charity said handing Vanessa her coffee. 

“Ok”

As Charity sat down at the kitchen table she accidentally clicked the laptop turning the screen on, taking a closer look she sees what Vanessa had been researching. “What’s this?” Charity said with a hint of anger in her voice. 

“I just wanted to see what your options were”.

“I don’t have any options, it happened years ago. I don’t have a leg to stand on. Look I appreciate you care but please stop. I don’t need you feeling sorry for me or looking at me differently just because you know my past”. 

“You do have options”. 

“Vanessa stop, this has to stop. I shouldn’t have told you, it was a mistake”. 

“What does it say when you can’t even tell the person who loves you your past? Without you getting all defensive and pushing people away”. 

“What did you just say?” 

“I love you Charity”.

“How can you love someone like me?” 

“Because your past does not define who you are. You went through something that no human being should ever have to go through. I love you, the you from the past, the you from now and the you from the future”. 

“I’ve got to go”, Charity replied. 

“Don’t do this, don’t push me away”, Vanessa pleaded. 

“It’s for the best”, Charity said as she slammed the door. 

Vanessa slumped back into the dining chair and burst into tears. She just told the woman she loved that she loved her and she just left, she knew that Charity was going through a lot but she didn’t expect her to just push her away. 

Returning back to the pub Charity was visibly upset and angry at herself for just leaving without finishing the conversation with Vanessa. Chas knew something was wrong immediately, she followed Charity to the back room where Charity had already reached for the vodka. 

“Hey, what’s up? What’s happened? It’s 10am and you’ve already resorted to the vodka”. 

Pouring herself a shot of vodka, Charity looks at Chas and downs the shot, “I told Vanessa my past, she’s being supportive, I’m pushing her away, she told me she loved me and I walked out”. 

“Wow, ok start from the beginning”. 

“Going to court with Tracy triggered things from my past to surface and I blurted my life history out to Vanessa and now I’m wishing I hadn’t. She says she loves me but after knowing my history I can’t believe her, I can’t help but think she said it to sympathise with me”. 

“And why would she do that?” 

“I don’t know”

“Charity you just told your girlfriend your past that you hate and wish you could change and she hasn’t run. She’s done the opposite, she has finally told you what you’ve been wanting to hear and you are pushing her away”.

“How could she love me though?” 

“I don’t know, but she does. She wants to be there to help you through whatever you need to get through, don’t make the biggest mistake of your life and lose someone who genuinely cares and loves you for being you. I’ve never seen you this happy, don’t throw it away because you can’t deal with emotions”. 

“You’re right!”

“I’m what?”

“You are right”, Charity reluctantly repeated. 

“Can I get that in writing? Charity Dingle admitting that I am write, which means you are wrong”. 

“Shut up. I need to go sort this Don’t I?”

“Yes, yes you do. Be honest with her”.

“I’ll try”, Charity said as she got up to head back to talk to Vanessa. 

Finishing the coffee that Charity had made her before she left, Vanessa dried her eyes and deleted her search history as it clearly hadn’t helped with the situation. Placing her mug in the sink Vanessa decided she needed to get herself ready and forget about what had happened this morning. Before she reached the top of the stairs there was another knock at the door, “who is it?” 

“Me”, Charity replied.

“What do you want?”

“To apologise, please let me in”. 

Vanessa opened the door, but didn’t wait to see her in she just turned her back and headed to the sofa. 

“I need to apologise for walking out earlier after you told me you loved me”. 

“It’s no bother”, Vanessa said trying to act like she didn’t care. 

“I run, I run when things get tough. I get scared that people see my history and think it’s the person I am today, I struggle to believe that people can truly love me for me and not just want to use me”.

“I would never use you”

“I know, let me finish please. After everything that has happened to in my life, no matter how many times I try to bury it, it always resurfaces. I’m not strong enough to talk about it openly with people, I don’t want people to look at me and feel sorry for me because of what happened, so I hide my emotions and push people away, especially those I care about. It’s hit me that maybe I need to ask for some help but I can’t go through this without you! I need you by my side”, Charity explained as she tried to stop herself from crying. 

“I am here, I am not going anywhere no matter how hard you try and push me away. Whatever you need I will try and provide, we can get through this together”. 

“Thank you for being so understanding”.

“You don’t need to thank me, it’s what girlfriends do”, Vanessa said standing up and giving Charity a hug, kissing her on the cheek. “Nothing will ever happen to you again, I promise” she said squeezing her tightly. 

Resting her head on Vanessa’s shoulder Charity started crying, she had never felt so safe and loved in her life. She genuinely believed she had found the one, “I love you too”, she quietly whispered into Vanessa’s ear.


End file.
